Lian Yu changed me
by Oiaso
Summary: Oliver's reflections about who he really is and what he has to fake since his return from the island.


_A/N: Hi guys! This is my first story here, but hopefully not the last. It's something I wrote a while ago, but I didn't decide to share it with you till now._

_One of the main reasons for my hesitation has been that English is not my native language, and I have a lot of problems with it, so I have to thank my fantastic beta **luvtheheaven** for her awesome help._

_I hope you like it._

_And don't forget, when you're bored, take some paper and your favorite pen and enjoy writing!_

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**Lian Yu changed me**

The name of the island where they found me is Lian Yu, which in Mandarin means "Purgatory". I had been abandoned there for five years. I dreamed of my rescue every cold, black night since the shipwreck. For five years, I had only one thought, one goal: survive. Survive and someday, come back home. But in that time on the island, planning my return, I never imagined how hard it would be reconnecting with Mom, Thea, Laurel. I… I didn't know how painful it would be to keep my secrets. I can't be the Oliver I can't be the Oliver my mother wants me to be and at the same time keep the promise I made to my father. I have to be the person that I need them to see.

I have to be the silly, smug and carefree boy I was before the island. That guy who just wanted to have fun regardless of the consequences, and drink too much. Back then, I did love being surrounded by women, but I don't even have time for that part of it anymore.

It isn't difficult; I had been doing it for years. I only have to put on the billionaire playboy's smile, talk nonsense and make coarse comments to people who care about me. Doing it is easy… The complicated thing is dealing with the guilt of knowing that I'm hurting them; to see their looks of reproach, misunderstanding, or shame…

They have believed me so easily. Yeah, it's what I wanted… what I _needed_, but even then… it hurts so much that they aren't able to see through that smile, that they have not realized that it is just a shield a wall I have built to protect them. And I am afraid. Yeah, the great Oliver Queen is scared. I fear that when all this finishes, the damage could be too much… I'm afraid they won't be able to trust me again… I'm afraid that they couldn't forgive all the damage I'm doing them.

Yeah… My life on the island was hell, but their life here was not easy either. They thought that after my return everything would be as before: the son who talks about his worries with his mother, the brother who jokes with his sister… But I'm not. I know I'm distant. More than I would like to be. I want to protect them, but not only that. They want me to trust them and talk about what happened on the island. But they don't realize that it's not that I don't want to... It's that I can't.

Nightmares haunt me every night, and even during the days. The guilt of letting Sara die, the shock of seeing my father sacrificing his life for mine, the pain of the torture to which I was subjected, Yao Fei's murder, the loneliness I felt even when I was accompanied by others, the scars ... those will be with me for the rest of my life, and will remind me of all that I lived there. But as I keep it to myself, as I don't tell anyone, I know I can handle it.

If I told someone ... The nightmares would come true. All that I had to live would become more real, more vivid. And those people ... They would see me differently. They would look at me with compassion, give me a pat on the back, a hug perhaps. They would cry for me and would never treat me the same way, because they would see me not as the guy I was before the island, or as the man I am now… No, they would see me like something broken, damaged. , and they would treat me like it. I couldn't handle it.

Thea's look the day that she saw my scars confirmed that to me. Her gaze was filled with terror, and I could just see her imagining what or who could possibly responsible. What I saw in her eyes ... It just was an instant, but it made me shake inside, and I felt hurt, helpless. They would not know how to treat me, and they would drift even further from me. I can't burden them with that weight. I can't let them feel guilty for distancing themselves from me. It would only be natural. So I have distanced myself from them. It's better that way.

It's better if they keep thinking that I am a proud and self-centered jerk, and that I'd rather spend the day at the club with Tommy instead of stay in home and eat with them. That I can't stand the idea that my mom has rebuilt her life with Walter, that I do not want to settle down and take care of my father's company. I must continue to endure their reproach and accusations, their anger, their pained look, the poison-laden phrases. For their sake. For my father. For Starling City.

When I returned, I realized that they thought the island had changed me. And they are right, but they can't know it yet. Not until this city is free of corruption... Until it is a safe city and I have fulfilled the promise I made to my father. But meanwhile, I have to keep pretending, although it tears me apart inside and is the worst torture that I have ever faced.

But someday, when all of this is over, when I have finished my mission, I will show them who I really am. I will show them the _real_ Oliver. Not the irresponsible playboy, nor the fierce vigilante, just Oliver. Because I know I can be friendly and loving man, who cares about his family... I know I can be a good man. There will come a day when they can see the real me, the one who now I am hiding under all my lies. Because they are right; Lian Yu changed me.


End file.
